Granted, this probably would have been a more relevant decision for like, January. Maybe it would have been a real good resolution, even. New year, new start. But fuck it, you know? It's my year, and I'll do what I want.
Last year was hard. If this year is the Year of Healing, last year was the Year of Wounds, of Scars, of Picked Scabs, of Bruised Knees and Hands and the Proverbial Heart. It was the year of impossible lessons, of sleepless nights, of staring out windows and wondering if it gets better, if it stays the same, or if this would forever be mine to carry. It was the year of a lot of crying and throwing things at walls and asking, "Why?"
What's interesting to note about my life since I've moved to San Francisco is that I have never been more...grounded. Even last year. There was still this sense of utter belonging, that despite all of these things I had been witness to - the losing of minds, self, life - I still knew this is exactly where I was supposed to be. That has to mean something. I know it means something.
Last year was the Year of the Crisis for me as a student affairs professional. As I mentioned in a previous post, it's when I'm at my best. I thrive in those situations. That being said, you can only take so much. If you have to continually respond to critical incidents, and they keep building on each other, and you don't have enough time to build yourself back up in the in-between...it's not pretty. My therapist called it "over-saturation." Last year, my ass was over-saturated (that may or may not be the dirtiest thing I've ever typed).
Maybe I'll tell the whole story here one day - when I'm ready to share it beyond my immediate sphere - but just know that I learned a LOT. I learned a lot about life, death, love, drugs, resilience, friendship, connectedness, purpose. I learned about all of that from somewhere inside of me, and from stuff I read, and from the people I love, who love me, who were there, unrelenting, even when none of us knew what the fuck to say and all there was was the silence of it all. I learned about all of that from people I barely knew, philosophers hidden in plain sight, who shared pieces of themselves with me, who made me realize that I would never be alone.
But it's a lot. It's a lot of learning and a lot of processing, and my mind and heart were on constant overdrive, working to make meaning and sense of it all. I had days where getting out of bed was impossible, where even the thought of facing another day was mind-numbing. I just wanted to lay in the dark and forget. And then there were days where I would get up, go to work, go hang out with friends, walk through the city, sit with students, laugh, eat, dance. Those were good days, but they weren't void of all of those lessons - it was all still there, just...always there.
By the time I made it to December, I was fucking exhausted.
But last year is gone. Done. Over. In the past. So what now? A year seems like a natural mile-marker in change, a natural bookmark to separate Then and Now. After some thought - but not too much, as part of my year of healing will be to NOT overthink every single thing - I made the following list.
10 Things I Will Do For Myself This Year and Fuck Everything Else
1. Travel. See things. Leave the country, leave the state, with friends, by myself, whatever. Just go see as much as you can. On the docket so far: Mexico, London, Wyoming.
2. Do what you want. Don't do what you don't want. If you HAVE to do something you don't want - this applies mostly to work - then find a way to make it palatable. Find the good in it, the control you have in it, see the good outcome, understand all sides, examine the 'why,' and don't lose yourself in it. Additionally, be with who you want to be with. Life is too short and too full to spend it surrounded by people you don't want to be around. Be with and talk to people who lift you up, who make you laugh, who love you, who you love.
3. Take a chill pill. Relax. Sit in the sun. Write. Take you pants off. Get a manicure. Just...be. Being amped or getting worked up over everything all the time is exhausting and you may be starting to look ridiculous. Also, relaxing is good. Sometimes, not working is good.
4. Don't overthink things (as mentioned above). Sometimes things are what they are, people are who they are, and it just is what it is. Accept that stuff, and move-the-fuck-on.
5. Continue taking self-defense or martial arts classes. When yours ends in summer, find a substitute. (I didn't know what learning this skillset would mean to me until very recently, when I realized just how much I loved it. I only started it to appease a friend, but I continue it for me. I've always been in-tune with my body, but there's something about this class and learning the moves that has allowed me to understand my body...better. I know my limits, and my awareness of what I am capable of has become sharper) Good, healthy outlets that you like should be pursued. Pursue pursue pursue.
6. Let go. Release.
7. Start slimming down material possessions. They'll only weigh you down when you're ready to bounce. Buy less, save more.
8. Be strategic. In work, in life, in love. Examine your options. Examine others' options. Don't be the first to speak. Think. Wait. Just a little. Then act, then share your idea, your concerns, your thoughts. See what happens. Look at the bigger picture, the broader scope, and understand before you react.
9. Get internships or jobs or make meetings with people and agencies you want to work for: SF General's Methadone Clinic, Harm Reduction Coalition, SF AIDS Foundation. Find opportunities overseas to do the same work. Utilize your connections. Ask. Find out who knows who and find out how you can know them, too. Follow this passion to the places you want to be.
10. Don't believe anybody when they tell you that your compassion and love are faults, that they hold you back, that they blind you. It's just not true.
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